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It’s common knowledge that to get to the front bench in modern politics, it helps to be privately educated and a lawyer. Other prerequisites may or may not include willingness to cut the throat of your opponents and sell your offspring. So, who is the biggest psychopath? Let’s find out… TONY ABBOTT – Minister for woman’s issues and presumably the PM. Safe electorate of Warringah on Sydney's North Shore. Likes flat earths, God, misogyny and sport, especially bicycles and swimming. As a Rhodes Scholar he studied politics and philosophy and got ‘a solid second’, according to The Guardian. But by most accounts he mostly played sport and honed his bullying skills at Oxford. A Rhodes Scholar, by the way, is not such a hard gig to get. It’s part of a production line for ‘world leaders’ established by British imperialist Cecil Rhodes. Toned Abbs is proof that connections are more important than ability. Doesn’t like media, the climate, accountability, transparency, round earths, scientists, gays, fact and reason. Ironically was a boat asylum seeker himself and wants them stopped. Abbs is clearly the worst example of a ‘leader’ this nation has ever seen. WARREN TRUSS – Deputy prime minister, minister for infrastructure and regional development. Electorate of Wide Bay, Queensland (includes Noosa, Gympie). Office in Maryborough Ex-Kingaroy farmer and councillor, Truss is often mistaken for a wardrobe or hatstand. He can also easily camouflage himself against beige wallpaper, making it hard for predators to spot him. Just slashed $150,000 in Byron Shire infrastructure funding last week and it’s fair to say more is to come. JULIE BISHOP – Foreign affairs minister. Division of Curtin, Western Australia. North of Fremantle and Eastern beach suburbs of Perth As a corporate lawyer in the 1980s, she represented mining company CSR and tried to stop dying asbestos victims getting compensation in what remains Australia’s greatest single industrial disaster. An estimated 1,000 people died who were living and working near the mine at Wittenoom, WA. Now minister for foreign affairs, she is contributing to the decline of Australia’s international reputation. She’s divorced, childless and the only woman in Toned Abbs’s cabinet. Nickname: ‘Token Deathstare’. ERIC ABETZ – Minister for employment, minister assisting the prime minister on the public service. Tasmanian senator located in Hobart Eric Abetz was born in Germany, migrated to Tassie then studied law. After that he spent roughly ten years in obscurity before politics. Fun fact: Eric Abetz is the great-nephew of SS-Brigadeführer Otto Abetz, Nazi ambassador to Vichy France from 1940 to 1944. GEORGE BRANDIS QC – Attorney-general, minister for the arts. Queensland senator based in Brisbane The Liberals are not known for their sense of humour, empathy, imagination or love of the arts, and Brandis is no exception. But there is comedic value in that he is minister for the arts; he said on ABC TV’s Q&A last year that he doesn’t even listen to music. He’s also a Queen’s counsel (QC), which is slightly higher up the lawyer food-chain. He developed a large law practice in the mid 1980s specialising in trade practices law, and then in 2003 made a 20-minute speech describing the Green party as Nazis. And Brandis likes a rort: it was revealed in 2011 that he had billed the taxpayer for attending the wedding of Sydney radio shock-jock Michael Smith. Possibly dangerous, so maintaining eye contact is recommended, although staring into the soulless vacuum of psychopathy is not advised. Best to avoid. JOE HOCKEY – Treasurer. Treasurer Hockey is of Armenian and Palestinian decent, a Roman Catholic and a republican. Electorate of North Sydney Given that his heritage comes from an oppressed minority, one would expect him to have more empathy for people trying to escape persecution. Prior to public office he completed an arts-law degree, then became a banking and finance lawyer of no considerable note. This Sydney-sider has been in public office since 1996, loves rugby union and bashing the public service. Enjoys strip-mining public assets and denying essential services for the poor and disadvantaged. BARNABY JOYCE – Minister for agriculture. Electorate of New England (Armidale, Tenterfield etc). Office in Tamworth Pardon me, Joyce, is that another taxpayer-funded event you attended? This high profile Nationals MP can sometimes be mistaken for an iguana. After he studied commerce, he became an accountant and is now minister for agriculture and public rorts. Though never short of an opinion or colourful metaphor, I recall he didn’t want to answer my direct question on whether he supports government accreditation of the the renewable industries. Currently, renewable industries such as solar, wind and hydro are regulated by fossil fuel companies. What could possibly go wrong? One redeeming feature is that he’s crossed the floor 19 times (ie disagreed with his own party), but alas, he’s best mates with Gina Rinehart. Was ridiculed for his economic thesis, but told me he still stands by it. CHRISTOPHER PYNE – Minister for education. Division of Sturt, inland next to Adelaide After he graduated with a diploma of legal practice he became a solicitor in 1991, but then was elected to public office in 1993. And while that made him the youngest current member of the Australian parliament, it also makes him one with the least amount of real-life experience. Pyne is a Roman Catholic and republican, likes ice-cream and is easily distracted by bright colours. Also a big fan on the war on drugs, Broadway musicals and the sound of his own voice. NIGEL SCULLION – Minister for Indigenous affairs. Nigel is a NT senator and was a fisherman before joining the Country National Party. Wait, what? Where’s the law degree? Represents Australia’s largest federal electorate boundary: The Northern Territory. IAN MACFARLANE – Minister for industry. Division of Groom, west of Brisbane. Includes Toowoomba This Kingaroy-born National now lives in Toowomba and likes to drill, baby, drill. Known for his raspy voice, ability to cut red tape and make babies cry, he relishes the job of convincing farmers that plonking drilling rigs on their property is ‘co-existing’. KEVIN ANDREWS – Minister for social services. Menzies electorate: City of Manningham, spreading along the Yarra River from Bulleen to Wonga Park, in Melbourne. Office in Doncaster As a former Howard government Liberal MP, Andrews has a long history of racism and bigotry. He implemented the controversial WorkChoices labour market reforms, revoked on character grounds the visa of Dr Mohamed Haneef and cut Australia’s refugee intake from African nations in 2007. This Victorian ex-barrister is a Roman Catholic and is a member of the Lyons Forum, a socially conservative Christian faction within the God-fearing coalition. God help us. MALCOLM TURNBULL – Minister for communications. Division of Wentworth, eastern beach suburbs of Sydney Bob Brown told me once, ‘there are two things you can see from outer space: the great wall of China and Malcolm Turnbull’s ego’. And well, why not. He was far richer than anyone else in parliament until Clive Palmer and has also done much more than the rest; from representing high-profile personalities as a lawyer to inventing the internet. He’s also been a journalist, investment banker and venture capitalist. And while he appears politically centrist, don’t be fooled. Like his colleagues, he wants to sell Australian land and companies to overseas corporations and embraces global free market fanaticism at the expense of nation building. He had a hard time defending his inferior broadband network, but to his credit looks awkward and uncomfortable next to everyone else in the cabinet. They’re all idiots, aren’t they, Malcolm? Roman Catholic, republican and spoonfed. SCOTT MORRISON – Minister for stopping immigration and border protection. Electorate of Cook in South-eastern Sydney. Office in Cronulla Don’t ask questions about asylum seekers or our concentration camps – I won’t be answering them. Look over there, there’s an adorable cat on the internet. Isn’t X-Factor on? Scott Morrison will hopefully, at one point, be tried for crimes against humanity. Ironically his background is actually tourism – after receiving an honours degree in applied science at NSW Uni for economics and geography, he then went on to be managing director of Tourism Australia. Now contributes to Australians’ reputation as bigoted arrogant thugs. GREG HUNT – Minister against the environment. Division of Flinders in Victoria. Includes outer southern suburbs on the Mornington Peninsula including Dromana, Hastings and Portsea. Enjoys wrecking the climate for future generations through rigorous debate. Okay, so he’s another lawyer, having graduated from Melbourne Law School with first class honours as well as Yale University. Hunt was adviser to the odious South Australian Alexander Downer before being elected as member for Flinders in 2001. He confused everyone when he said recently he uses Wikipedia to source information – high school students would be ridiculed for such stupidity. Bravo, well played. PETER DUTTON – Minister for health, minister for sport Electorate of Dickson, Qld. North-western suburbs of Brisbane, including Albany Creek, Kallangur and Strathpine. This Liberal Queenslander was a cop for nine years, working on the drug squad in Brisbane. He then studied business in 1991 but then five years later became a pollie. And he’s just 42 years old. BRUCE BILLSON – Minister for small business. Electorate of Dunkley. South eastern outskirts of Melbourne; it includes the suburbs include Frankston, Frankston North, Frankston South, Langwarrin, Langwarrin South, Mt Eliza, Mornington and Seaford, and parts of Baxter and Skye. This bureaucrat turned pollie entered politics in 1996 and was educated at the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology. He worked at Hastings Shire Council as a ‘manager of corporate development’ before being an adviser to Victorian Minister for natural resources, and then policy adviser to the shadow minister for the environment, Rod Kemp. ANDREW ROBB AO – Minister for trade and investment. Electorate of Goldstein is in inner city bayside Melbourne. It extends from Elsternwick on the north, Beaumaris in the south, the Frankston railway line in the east and Port Philip Bay in the west. Andrew was a power-broker behind the scenes before emerging as a political contender. As federal director and campaign manager for John Howard in the 1996 federal election campaign, he helped overthrow Keating and then settled us in for a 13-year run of being relaxed and comfortable. As a youngster, Robb gained an economics and agricultural science degree from Victoria’s La Trobe University, and has sat on many corporate boards. He’s a Roman Catholic and has a history of suffering from depression, which may or may not be related. DAVID JOHNSTON – Minister for defence. This little-known Liberal senator from Western Australia graduated in law in 1979 and then became a barrister in Kalgoorlie and Perth. His area of expertise, according to himself, is criminal, mining, native title and administrative law. He entered politics in 2001 MATHIAS CORMANN – Minister for finance. The WA Liberal senator and lawyer joined the party in 2007 and became an Aussie after migrating from Belgium. Roman Catholic and only 43. Note: this article has been amended from print to include electorates and which state the senators come from. 
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